Keeping Spirits Up

My spirit wants to soar, expand, feel love flowing inside me and reaching out to everyone I meet.  It’s fall, my favorite season, finally crisp and cool.  It may snow soon; snow-haters forgive me, I am a solid East Coaster, I love the snow despite its inherent inconvenience.  The holiday season has begun, almost all the Halloween candy has been eaten.  I want to dive in, but the world won’t let me.

How can I say it’s not too early to start celebrating when there’s just been another mass shooting?  When every day another person is being revealed as a sexual predator?  When everyone is sharing opinions about serious issues and confessing their own traumas, how can I write about the new white flocked Christmas tree I’m so excited about?

I could write #me too and join the fray.  I deal with my trauma but don’t feel the need to tell everyone my story or vilify the persons involved.  I only want to handle my own healing; hard as it is to face, the perpetrators are victims, too, and have their own healing to do.  The way we point fingers and ruin peoples’ lives only shows how far we have to go in raising our culture to one of love.

As for gun violence, words I heard yesterday in Adyashanti’s book, The End of Your World, rang true to me (I will post the exact quote when I find it) — we won’t change the world by having this government or that or by following this philosophy or that, but by changing ourselves on the inside.  Because what we are on the inside is what is reflected in our world on the outside.

Do we act and speak out of love or fear?  It’s not easy, I know.  Every day life gives us ample opportunity to practice.  I had a customer recently who was a great teacher.  She didn’t want to join our registry or participate in our philanthropic promotion, but she wanted a discount.  I recognize these situations as opportunities for my personal growth and try not to react with judgment.  But when she said “I don’t understand why I’m standing here and can’t get the discount,” I felt the warmth rising in my chest.

It’s not easy to look inside ourselves and ask what’s going on with me that’s causing me to judge?  Realizing that now I’m also judging myself and adding more negative energy to an already problematic situation.  Now I’m hearing in my head that song I love, “It’s not easy breaking your heart.”  It’s what we do when we don’t love unconditionally.  Finding a way to inject love, empathy, compassion into that interaction would have changed the world in that moment.

I’ve always told my kids no situation is ever all bad or all good, it’s always both, the paradox of life.  Maybe that’s why I’m so into this holiday season and my new Christmas tree.  There’s a lot going on in the world that we need to change, but there’s also a lot going on we can appreciate and celebrate.

It’s not too early, let the joy of the holiday season begin.  (Don’t worry, I won’t unpack my tree until after Thanksgiving.)

tree in box


Granny for a Night

I sometimes forget how quickly the Universe will respond to my full-intentioned desires.  I felt a longing for days past, taking care of my sons when they were younger; the Universe answered, you need more of that?  Let me help you.

A friend needed help with her two small children while she was temporarily incapacitated.  I was thrilled for the opportunity to play stand-in grandmother and woke up early the next morning to pack a bag in case I would stay overnight.  Serendipitously, I had the following day off from work.

The two children, a boy six years old and a girl, 22 months, had never met me.  I knew I would be regarded more Nanny McPhee than Mary Poppins, but felt confident I could win them over.  It was Halloween night and I thought how fun it would be to enjoy the holiday with kids again.

I arrived in late afternoon as the boy was getting ready for trick or treating while the girl was wrapped around her dad’s leg as he tried to get things in order around the house.  The girl was coming down with a cold, her eyes with that I-don’t-feel-good look, not happy to be seeing me.

The house had the look of a busy life with kids, clothes on chair backs, toys neatly stacked in corners, clean dishes drying next to the sink.  A painting project was nearing completion, the dad apologized.  What I saw was an instant picture of a family in motion, the perfect home.

As I expected, the girl was not happy to be left with me as her father even left the room to change, let alone leave the house.  A feisty one, approaching the twos, as her mom warned, not afraid to let me know how she was feeling about my presence.  “Be a good girl,” her father said.  Not necessary, I replied; just be yourself, I thought.

I hadn’t brought gifts as peace offerings, but had the perfect sack to offer the boy for his candy gathering — an orange reusable grocery bag with a jack-o-lantern face on it, score one for me.  The girl showed me her favorite pair of shoes, gold and sparkly, just my style, my delight genuine.

The real fun began when Dad left and the girl began screaming the refrain I would hear frequently over the next 30 hours. accompanied at first by intense thrashing, kicking and scratching.  Luckily, as I expected, that soon turned into clinging, wanting to be held and carried everywhere, which felt so good, I didn’t even care if I caught her cold.

The boy was easy, knew the routine and followed it.  Both kids went to bed easily and I was happy to say so at the moment my friend texted, asking how it was going.  I was ready for anything, though, as I rested downstairs on the couch, waiting.

The monitor was by my side, including video, although I could hear without it, the girl waking up coughing then settling back to sleep.  The disturbance continued to build, as she’d wake up coughing and cry a little before settling back down.  I wished I turned on the humidifier, but was sure if she saw me we’d be in full blown unhappy mode.

I snuck upstairs while all was quiet hoping to get in and out of her room unseen.  She heard me in the hall and started full-on wailing.  “Uppy, uppy,” pick me up, and so I did.  Thus began our long night together — comprised of  thirty or so minutes of peaceful sleep interrupted by coughing and remembering she wanted her daddy — in various locations around the house.

We spent some time downstairs because she wanted her binky but didn’t want me to leave without her.  I was at the bottom of the stairs when I heard a thump as she apparently jumped out of the crib, and turned to find her running toward the top of the stairs.  Carrying her plus two blankies down the dark, slippery stairs was not something I wanted to do again.

We curled up on the couch together until she kicked me out of the way so that she had the big couch and I had the small one.  I piled pillows on the floor for when she would, and did, fall off which didn’t seem to bother her at all.  At the next waking, I decided she would be warmer upstairs, so picked her up and carefully navigated the stairs once more with toddler, blankies and binky in tow.

We cuddled together in the rocking chair beside her crib for the next sleep until she woke again and wanted her crib, although she clearly did not allow me permission to leave.  Baby Mozart was playing on Pandora and she also turned on another put-me-to-sleep musical device hanging inside her crib for dueling music.

I finally fell asleep in the rocking chair, reminding myself I’ve slept in much more uncomfortable airplane seats, until my phone alarm went off downstairs much earlier than we needed to get up.  As soon as I stood up, so did my sweet companion.  I asked, Do you want a clean diaper?  She nodded yes and reached for me.  We heard music coming from the boy’s room.  Is your brother playing games?  She smiled her first big smile and nodded.

She peacefully allowed the diaper change and we settled back down on the couch, she on my chest, immediately returning to sleep.  I watched the clock wondering how long it would take us to get big brother to the school bus on time, not wanting to disturb the yummy bundle on top of me to go wake him.  He came down about an hour before bus time with an art project in hand that he said needed to be finished immediately.

I well know young boys who have important things to do when the world says they have to direct their attention elsewhere.  I hoped I could handle it better than I did with my own boys, but I doubt I succeeded.  Feeling pressed for time, not wanting to miss the bus, my biggest job of the day, all my anxiety of that task from the past came flooding back.

We were moving in the right direction until I asked the boy to put on his jacket.  “I don’t need a jacket,” he announced.  My phone showed the current temperature at 37 degrees, almost snow weather.  He was unimpressed.  He didn’t know where it was and said I could find it.  I said I don’t know what it looks like.  “That’s because it’s invisible,” he replied.  I’m scrambling around for what looks like a jacket his size when here comes his little sister, binky in mouth like baby in The Simpsons, holding the jacket out to me.

We got to the bus with a full minute to spare.  Returning home, little sister and I cuddled again on the couch and fell back asleep.  My head ached along with other parts of my body and I hadn’t ingested more than a glass of water since lunch the day before.  I wondered how long I could keep up a schedule like this.  I haven’t forgotten how exhausted I was when my kids were little, but this was a reality check as to what my current body can handle versus my romanticized vision of grandparenting.

When the kids’ grandfather arrived a few hours later, I was willing to let him take over, although I was prepared to keep going having faith the Universe doesn’t give you assignments you can’t handle.  I left with a new appreciation for my current life,  how easy it is to care mostly for myself.  For that gift, I thank my friend and the Universe.  But when little sister ran over unbidden and hugged my knees, I was willing to do it all over again.




Hillary’s Universal Lesson

Hillary’s concession speech was probably the most important of her life.  It was the first time I ever felt she was being genuine.  I couldn’t imagine how she could speak so eloquently, cover so many points and follow a thread without any hint of prompter or notes, especially after probably being up most if not all night.  She was called out for not speaking earlier, but maybe she was so shell-shocked she just couldn’t do it.  When she finally spoke, I felt something I hadn’t felt for her before:  compassion.

Hillary’s dream of becoming the first woman president will not come true.  But rather than cursing the world for not delivering what she deserved, she found meaning in her journey and showed gratitude, tons of it.  With humility she asked everyone to give the winner a chance to lead.  Here’s someone who, as my son pointed out, has probably wanted to be president her whole life, realizing that it’s not going to happen.  What an enormous disappointment to endure.

I’ve never been a Hillary fan, but I wish her well and send her love and support.  And thank her for butting her head against that glass ceiling.  Please people, tell your crying teenagers not to despair.  The Universe knows what it’s doing.  Hillary has been given the gift of her soul’s lessons while paving the way for others to meet their destiny.  Best of all, she opened her heart and shared that message.  All is well.











Baklava, the perfect ice breaker

I was planning to go away for the weekend to my husband’s annual cousins’ weekend, an event which started out years ago as a guys’ weekend, but which now includes the girls who want to join in.  I especially wanted to see my younger son who no longer lives at home and my nephew and his girlfriend who now live on the opposite coast.  I tried to get the time off from work but scrambling the schedule didn’t pan out, despite the generous efforts of teammates who were willing to switch shifts and cover for me.

I felt disappointed, but also looked forward to an open weekend around work, especially since I wasn’t scheduled to work on Sunday.  An invitation arrived via Facebook to a local musical gathering on Friday night which included the people who will be taking over the café building I once occupied.  I was tired after a busy Friday shift — which everyone agreed included more crazy customers than usual — but decided to at least stop in even though I couldn’t stay late with an early shift the following morning.

I am a late bloomer to the live music scene and possess little knowledge of bands that for many people defined their youth.  This was a Grateful Dead tribute; none of the songs on the playlist were familiar to me, but what great music!  The evening was so uplifting, I hated to leave when I knew I should.  People were talking about another party happening the next day, and the hostess, whom I knew from my café days, invited me to come.

Sleeping did not come easy, knowing how early I had to wake up, but despite that, work went well.  At lunch I mentioned the party to a co-worker and said I doubted I would go, so tired, although worrying if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t be invited in the future.  By shift end I felt so tired it was difficult driving home.  I laid down on a deck lounge chair and rested, noticing the dark clouds overhead didn’t match my phone’s insistence on 83 degrees and sunny all day.

The darkening skies mirrored my energy level.  Do I really want to go to a party?  Talk to people I don’t know after interacting all day with strangers at work?  Maybe I’m beyond the party scene, more comfortable just staying home as usual.  But then, there’s no party tomorrow, maybe I’ll be bored and sorry to have missed it.

The party was pot luck and I didn’t know what to bring, until I remembered a baklava pastry ready to bake in the freezer.  I never bake baklava straight from the freezer, would it turn out ok?  I always bake it a day ahead, would it be any good served warm?   The party started hours ago, would it still be going on by the time I baked and got there?  The pan was in the way in the freezer, why not just give it a try.

Where once I’d spend all day planning what to wear to a party, now I just changed from jeans to shorts, keeping on my work Polo.  I waited for the baklava to come out of the oven, by which time it was pouring outside with weather channel flash flood warnings and predicted hard rain all evening.  Would the party still be going on in this weather?

Thank goodness for GPS, I never would have found the place without it.  Cars were parked all over, my car’s reverse camera helped me back into a spot I hoped my Jeep could climb out of later.  So what if my hair completely frizzed out as I found my way into the house in the pouring rain with my warm baklava, good thing I was wearing flip flops.

The few people I knew welcomed me, as did a dazzling food table. Almost immediately, people came up to say how much they loved the baklava and remembered my café (nothing makes a good Greek happier than when someone likes what we cook).  I met a couple whose two daughters worked for me and so loved hearing how they’re doing now and that one of them is using what she learned at my shop in her current work.  Her mom also shared how my baklava was her father’s favorite treat in his last days.

And the music!  I must learn to play another instrument, maybe drums, maybe guitar, something!  I wanted to join these people who get together to play and sing and let it all out.  I felt the positive energy in every cell of my body.  This, I realized, was precisely the kind of “deep play” Martha Beck advises in her book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World.  I could sense its effect.  My former, then seemingly sedate, café website designer, picked up playing bass a couple of years ago with his old high school band buddies and seems looser, liberated.  Me too, please!

Preparing to leave, I received a few more baklava kudos, and we laughed as one woman actually picked up and licked the empty pan (sugar is a drug!).  Oh positivity.  I can’t say when I’ve ever so enjoyed a party, and I gratefully thanked the host and hostess who invited me to always come (I will!).  The whole evening felt like a dance, somehow, floating through the evening from one conversation to another, just … being myself.

I slept in after a great night’s sleep looking forward to the entire free day ahead.  What shall I do?  I’d like to have breakfast at the diner, but go alone?  Sure, why not?

Arguing with Reality

I’m listening to Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, the latest book in my ongoing search for self-understanding, spiritual growth, finding my path, learning how to be happy being the real me and all that stuff.  I want to make the most of what’s left of my life since passing the 60 mark has raised the red flag of how much time is left, what do I really want to do, hurry up and figure it out already.

Byron Katie’s work is based on a familiar chorus — it’s not them it’s you — and her approach is unique.  It’s called “The Work” and is based on asking yourself four questions to help guide you to a new mindset about any situation that is causing you (you are causing you) distress.

I’m only on Chapter 5, and I’m not instantly grasping the ah-ha of what she’s saying, but a couple of points are sticking, which became apparent on this morning’s track walk.  This track, with its high quality cushioned surface and sweeping views, is offered for public use by a local private high school when they are not using it.  I feel so fortunate to have it at my disposal, I suppose I’ve gotten a bit protective.  So when I see people abusing what I consider a great privilege, I get upset.

A large white sign in the adjacent parking lot states simple rules for its use, including  hours it’s open to the public, what kind of shoes are allowed, no wheels of any kind and no animals to name a few requirements.  And there’s a swing bar hanging across the first four of six lanes with the painted message “Please use outside lanes.”

Twice this week I’ve seen this one woman walking and jogging along the inside lanes.  This incenses me.  I feel like the Track Police and want to confront her as she’s walking around the swing bar to move to the inside lanes.  I argue with myself trying to come up with a way to say something, somehow, that might have a positive result, but I can’t.  I’m thinking she shouldn’t be using the inside lanes!  How dare she?  Does she think she’s special?  What reason could she possibly have for ignoring this simple rule?  Does she not appreciate how fortunate she is to have this track for her use?

Byron Katie would say two things right off the bat.  One, whose business am I in while being upset over this?  It’s not my business, it’s her business and the school’s business.  Right there, I’m causing myself grief and not living my own life, enjoying my own walk, because I’m putting myself in other peoples’ business.  Second, Byron Katie would say I’m arguing with reality because thinking “she should stay in the outside lanes” (!!) is an untrue statement because obviously she is not doing so.  Byron Katie would say “a dog barks, a cat meows and this woman walks in the inside lanes,” that’s reality.  Arguing with reality only causes the arguer pain.

I get these points and feel calmed enough not to let this ruin my walk.  I soothe myself by thinking up reasons why her behavior may be all right, anyhow.  Maybe she hasn’t noticed the message on the swing bar.  Maybe she thinks the sign only refers to the straight parts, not the curves of the track, since that’s where she’s cutting in.  Maybe she is somehow connected to the school or has received permission to use the track this way.  Maybe the school really doesn’t care that much either way.  Good for me, I can see possibilities other than she’s a jerk and I want it to stop.

I try to dismiss the whole business, but a whole other train of thought emerges.  Are we really supposed to ignore all behavior?  Aren’t we supposed to care about what’s best for the greater good?  What if the school sees that people are abusing the track and decides to close it down?  Wouldn’t that be bad for all the good people who do follow the rules?  Now I’m breaking the rules of someone else’s book about staying in the “now” and not projecting into the future.  Ugh!

I pass this woman as she’s stopped, focusing on her phone, or stopwatch or something.  I almost take a step toward her to say something, but change my mind.  Even if I handled the conversation perfectly, which I’m not likely to do, it’s bound to cause me more angst than I’m already causing myself.  I walk on and actually forget about her for awhile.

Then I see her in Lane One one more time and my untrained brain takes over.  Look at her, who does she think she is?  All sweaty, as if she’s working so hard cutting the corners of every lap, checking her watch as if she’s some kind of athlete.  She looks out of shape and probably shouldn’t be running at all.

I’ve got a lot to learn.


Counting Comfort Not Pain

I was walking the track on a picture-perfect day, blue sky, not too hot, no humidity,  enjoying the day yet feeling a bit sorry for myself.  I’ve been working out on this track for over three years since discovering it’s the ideal exercise for me, combining cardio, strength training and scream therapy as I sing and dance my way around the track, lap after lap, losing myself in the rhythm as I enjoy the beauty of nature around me.  Lately, though, all I’ve noticed are the pains I’ve developed from the same motion I enjoy so much.

It’s bad enough I can no longer swing around or even comfortably carry hand weights since I fell and broke my shoulder two winters ago.  Now I have a rigid joint in my right foot called “hallux rigidus,” which sounds sexy but definitely isn’t, that constantly hurts, although it’s more painful if I don’t walk.  Sometime last summer I developed a pain in my upper left hamstring that kept me from walking at all for months, much longer than I thought it should have taken to heal.  Now I can’t keep pace with the music I once danced along to, and the hamstring acts up well before I want to stop walking.

It all seems so unfair, woe is me and all that.  So I’m walking and reminding myself to focus on tightening my core, at least I can work on a flat stomach even if my legs and arms won’t cooperate.  I see a man joining the walk, someone I’ve seen every summer since I started.  He walks slowly, very slowly.  He wears black knee high socks with his shorts, and I always tease him that it’s hot, he should get white ones, and he always responds these special socks, for his neuropathy, only come in black.  He calls me “young lady” but I think he must notice my gray hair or how I don’t bounce around like I once did.

I slow down to greet him and mention how annoyed I feel that I can’t do what I used to.  He tells me he has to walk every day or else his legs get stiff.  He had total knee replacement four years ago and doesn’t want to go through that again.  Then he tells me as bad as that surgery was, it wasn’t nearly as bad as his bypass or when he had to have a lung removed.  A tumor was found in his lung only by accident when he had a staph infection.  He’s had cancer a few times, the first time cost him a couple of toes — a melanoma that he figures came from a really bad sunburn he once got in college.

He worked as an accountant for 40 years before retiring after his bypass surgery.  I’m seeing him as if for the first time, not as a senior citizen taking daily walks to keep his legs moving, but as a young man laying on the grass in the sunshine and later spending years going to work, fulfilling an important role in some business endeavor.  “I’m 72 now, happy to be here breathing,” he says.

I start to move ahead, on with my walk.  He says something about my “cool sunglasses.”  I answer, walking backwards, that I need them to protect my eyes – glaucoma.  He has that too, he says, but he hasn’t had the surgery yet, his cataracts aren’t bad enough.  I slow back down to tell him I’ve had that surgery, it’s a piece of cake.

He waves as he leaves the track, “I’ve had enough fun for one day.”  Somehow my leg and foot aren’t bothering me quite so much and I comfortably walk another two laps, farther than I’ve gone in awhile.  I suddenly feel very happy to be 61 and walking the track, even if I can’t be dancing it like I used to.  I have to find out if those socks really don’t come in white.


Listen when the Universe calls

You may remember me complaining about wrong numbers on our land line because our number matches the first seven digits of the toll-free number for Medicaid Transportation in our area.  We’ve gotten used to so many wrong numbers that we hardly answer that phone, only keeping it because it’s tied into our alarm system.  Usually I just look at the caller ID to see whether the ringing phone is a “real” call or not.

My voice mail message (tersely) alerts the caller they may have the wrong number and suggests they try dialing 1 first.  I often then hear the beep of pressing 1, or they hang up and call again.  Frequently the caller doesn’t speak English, or they sound elderly, infirm, or all of the above.  Sometimes I come home and find full length messages from people stating their name and the time and date of their needed ride.  I usually press delete and get on with my day.

I guess I felt I did what I could to help, alerting agencies and providers of the issue and concluded that was the limit of my responsibility.  Still, I occasionally pick up the phone, especially if the same person calls repeatedly.  Lately a few people said they tried dialing 1 but got a message that the phone number is no longer in service.  A new wrinkle, yet not quite catching my full attention.  I replied with shrugged shoulders, “Sorry, this is a private residence (!!),” hung up, and got on with my day.

Yesterday the phone rang three times in a row with the same name popping up on the caller ID.  In frustration from the constant ringing (don’t I get enough of that torture at work??), I picked up the phone.  I tried my usual speech about dialing 1, and the woman said she got the no-longer-in-service message.  I turned around and googled Medicaid Transportation on my computer which is right in front of the telephone.  “Oh, thank you,” she said, “I don’t have a computer.”  It had not occurred to me that someone could not be able to do what is second nature to me.

After a few searches – it’s not so easy to navigate government agencies even for the computer savvy — I found the list of numbers for Medicaid Transportation by county.  The number she had was off by one, the last, digit.  I asked her where she had gotten that number, she said a social worker gave it to her.  Perhaps she copied the number wrong, or perhaps it’s wrong on some list somewhere.  I suggested she let the social worker know about the error.  She promised she would.

The woman thanked me over and over.  In perfect English.  I gratefully received her blessings and thought how nice for me, I had done my good deed for the day and was rewarded.  Then I felt an intuitive knock on my head.  Here I am supposedly surrendering to Divine guidance, saying I wish to be of service, asking to be an instrument for the greater good in whatever way I may be called.  Could the call be any clearer?


We Are One – Ask Energy


law of energy

What the world needs now is Love, Sweet Love … truer words have never been sung!  It’s really simple, if we react to hate with hate, we will get more hate, anger breeds anger, vengefulness,  more in return.  The pattern must be broken.  Patterns repeat and dynamics play out whether on a small or large scale.  I have a small personal story to illustrate the power of this law of attraction.

I was working in my husband’s office, responding to a credit chargeback where a patient was questioning part of her bill.  Always looking for a win/win resolution, I faithfully communicated with the patient and the credit company to sort out the details.  To keep the patient happy, we were willing to refund the challenged amount which was about fifteen percent of the total bill.  The credit company, following internal protocol, ultimately decided instead to invalidate the entire amount, which was considerable and had a meaningful impact on our office finances.

I was struck livid (LIVID!!!!) by the unfairness of their decision and unwillingness to respond to reason.  I could not release the anger I felt, it overtook my consciousness.  For days, every time I thought about what had transpired, fury bubbled up inside of me and flowed out in the kind of language I’m not usually known for displaying.


A few days later, I was driving to work, not in any sort of hurry, peacefully listening to the radio when I heard sirens coming up behind me and looked in my rearview mirror to see a police car, lights flashing, barreling down the hill behind me and several other cars.  I immediately pulled over as did the others, thinking the police car was on the way to some incident up ahead.  To my complete shock, the car came to a screeching halt right next to me.  The policewoman rolled down her window and started screaming at me with I must say the same intensity I had exhibited when I got that phone call from the credit company informing me of that chargeback.  I immediately felt the connection between those two incidents.

frequencies and actions

I know I drew that anger to me, just like I believe we will continue to draw terrorism to us if we react with more violence.  And I believe we can turn the negativity around if everyone pulls together to raise our collective vibration out of the depths and into love and beyond.  I don’t know precisely how this will work, but I know the Universe, the Divine, God, our higher selves, or whatever you want to call it, knows how.  All we need do is surrender to that level of guidance and we will be shown the way.  May it be so.